


One Piece ficlet collection

by drcalvin



Series: Drabbles and ficlets [7]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Comedy, Community: 64damn_prompts, Crack, Drabble Collection, Fate, Food Kink, Getting Lost, Missing Scene, Multi, Short, Strong World, Suits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-29
Updated: 2013-09-03
Packaged: 2017-11-02 16:31:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/371076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drcalvin/pseuds/drcalvin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Collection of One Piece ficlets. Various ratings and characters. Mostly gen, nothing explicit or too angsty in this collection.</p><p>Currently contains: Kamabakka Island, Strong World missing scene, "LuZo" crack scene, Zoro explains his sense of direction, "the condom broke" ficlet, donut/"food porn" crack ficlet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Demons Speak Another Language (Sanji)

**Author's Note:**

> For 64damn_prompts. #4 Lost Scene

He spent two years in hell. Running until the soles of his feet were on fire, gasping for knife-sharp breaths with the vengeful hordes howling behind him. They were endless, if one shrieking bunch grew tired, another twenty easily took their place. 

There were fights. Bitter moments when he was flung into the sand and came up, eyes full of stinging grit, to find himself buried in lace, drowned in powder and perfume. There were the times when their laughter ended: when his kick crushed a overly large, but oh-so-carefully made up nose or his desperate struggle caused a fancy heel to snap off. Then, their true claws came out; all the dirty tricks that men who had spent years being ridiculed and targeted have learned in desperation.

He will complain long and loud about those times, to anyone in his crew willing to listen. He'll screech it at the algae-headed swordsman whenever the bastard uses his little scar to score points with Nami-swan (and he does, don't you dare claim otherwise!). He'll grumble it toward the captain whenever the topic of _his_ stay on the Island of Women comes up the lucky, unappreciative bastard.

What Sanji won't mention are the other times. When he had won. When then harpies, for a few short days, turned into something beyond men or women – when they were simply cooks together.

It's not that he's ashamed to have stood next to a cross-dresser and fileted fish. Nor does it bother him that his new secret recipe for dearest Robin's morning cappuccino is a modification of one he learned from a lumbering oaf who refused to wear anything but leather corsets. For cooking, his most cherished art, he will suffer almost any indignity.

No, the problem is that neither the Kamabakka inhabitants, nor Sanji, ever actually stopped sniping at each other. Or grumbling, yelling, insulting and raging for that matter. The words remained the same. 

Their meaning, though... over the tempting scents of the cooking pot, to the sound of knives on a cutting board? Then those words are language of chefs and their true meaning only becomes clear when the customer tastes the finished dish and their eyes close in silent appreciation.


	2. Looking Good (Luffy)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the prompt "Luffy's hat" from muggedthird. Takes place during the tenth movie, Strong World.

They suit up, in somber black and strict white, deep red and bright purple breaking through the strictness. Ties all the way. 

The heavy coat settles on Luffy's shoulders. It will mark him the captain, even to the fools who have dared to steal their navigator. Robin's hands put the ties around their necks, Sanji fusses with Chopper's handkerchief and Usopp pulls the last straps of his armor tight.

The presence behind him might've pulled a vest and suit jacket over his white shirt, but when Luffy turns around he feels a smile spread on his face. Zoro will never look anything but a punk, too rough around the edges, too rude to even pretend. 

"Nah, Zoro, whadd'ya think?" he asks, admiring the flare of the coat-sleeve when he lifts his arm. It's amazing what Franky and Usopp managed to pull together from their stores of clothes. He recalls Nami's advice – you never know when you might need a bit of formal stuff! – with a pang in his heart. She'll be back soon, though, and then he'll thank her. She keeps on being so smart. 

Zoro is checking his swords one last time, his mind already drifting off into the mist of battle. "Think about what?"

"Think Shiki will complain, or do I look like a proper captain now?"

The other man stills for a moment, then his eyes narrow and he gives Luffy a more thorough look-over. Sandals, still, because he won't put on any uncomfortable crap shoes just for stupid Shiki's sake. But the trousers are ironed, the suit used to be Sanji's and the red shirt is more somber than the bright vests he usually wears. Even Luffy had to admire the thick gold fastenings when Usopp showed him the coat, though he wouldn't usually wear something quite so showy. Not yet, at least...

"Nah." Zoro purses his lips and reaches over, taking Hat from the table and plopping it on Luffy's head. He adjusts it, letting his hand linger for just a moment and then sink down along Luffy's cheek, thumb brushing the scar beneath his eye. "That's better."

Luffy grins at him for a moment, then pushes his hat forward.

"Ready to kick some ass?" he asks his crew, already grabbing his weapon and heading for the door.

They answer as one, determined and sure and the worn old hat on his head looks like a crown when the Straw Hats go to war.

"Aye, Captain!"


	3. Unsanitary uses of bacon (LuZo)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little comment-crackfic for ichigootaku.

”IF YOU EVER MESS UP OUR FOOD STORES LIKE THAT AGAIN I’LL SERVE UP YOUR RUBBERY CARCASS FOR DINNER!” Sanji shrieked while he shook Luffy. The poor captain's head flopped disturbingly on his elastic neck and he managed a vague gurgle of cowed agreement. 

Behind them, Zoro was slowly - but with great determination - hitting his head against the mast, apparantly aiming for permanent brain-damage. 

Meanwhile, most of the rest of the crew hung over the railing, pitiful groans and other unpleasant noises coming from them.

“Robin?” Usopp managed between heaves. “How come you’re not…?”

“Disturbed by how our captain put the bacon back after he’d used it for ‘recreational’ purposes?” the one cool person on board asked.

Blanching, Usopp nodded frantically before leaning over the railing again. 

“Well. It’s all protein in the end, isn’t it?” Robin sipped her coffee and glanced over at Zoro. Seeing the despairing swordsman, she smirked at the memory of his, and everyone elses, face from a few minutes ago. The crew had been gathered around the breakfast table, when Sanji found a pubic hair of Very Distinct Color in his breakfast... 

“Besides," Robin said, still speaking to Usopp's shaking back, "my teachers always did say that I should eat more greens.”


	4. On Fate (Zoro, Usopp)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoro explains the logic of his directional choices to Usopp.   
> (Written for 64damn-prompts, theme #51 - Above)

One of the reasons that Roronoa Zoro would, loudly and possibly violently, oppose any negatively voiced opinions regarding his sense of direction – or lack thereof – was that he knew perfectly well that he always ended up where he needed to go. And while Zoro wasn't quite sure of the fancy terminology, he knew that if 1 (sword) + 2 (swords) = 3 (Santōryū), and (1) was his usual way of getting around (walking in the direction his gut told him to go) and (2) was ending up where he needed to be (preferably a nice little fight where he might, on the really good days, have an near-death epiphany and improve his sword skills) then _obviously_ this equaled (3): Fate was guiding him.

The only reason he hadn't bothered to explain this to all his shipmates was that Luffy was too bad at maths, while the cook seemed too ignorant of destiny to truly grasp his explanation. Nami had no problems whatsoever with maths and was slowly being converted to the concept of Fate with prolonged exposure to their captain. However, since she could only count money, Zoro feared for what such an explanation would mean to his plans of living his life as a free pirate, instead of as a debt-shackled servant to a sea-witch. 

He had actually told Usopp once, when the boy asked him why in heaven's name he thought that north was up anyway.

"I didn't know that I would have to be captured by the Marines and hang at a post for nine days to get here, now did I?"

Usopp seemed inclined to interrupt, but Zoro shushed him. It was rare that he was in a story-telling mood, and even when he was, he preferred to get to the point quickly. "I had to get captured though, or I couldn't ever have become the Greatest Swordsman. Because if there is a Pirate King, he needs to have the Greatest at his side. Because a king with the second or third greatest as his man wouldn't be the true King, and if the Greatest was _not_ on the King's side, he couldn't let anyone call himself King of the Seas unchallenged. And once they met up, one of them wouldn't be anything at all. Do you follow?"

"Well, okay, that makes halfway sense. But what does being tied up..."

"I wasn't planning on following the Pirate King, because I thought the Pirate King was already dead. And I had to think that too, because if I had already known about Luffy when I decided to become the Greatest, everyone else would also have known about him. And then they would have killed him before I could be by his side and make sure that didn't happen. But because I didn't know that Luffy was waiting for me so that we could reach the top together, I couldn't simply go meet up with him when he started his journey, because I didn't know where to find him. Or that I needed to find him at all. So, you see, that's why I had to go to the village where the idiot son was, so that he could capture me. Then I could wait there for Luffy to catch up and now we can fulfill our destinies together."

"Aaaand that's why you think North is up? I'm sorry, but what?"

Zoro tapped the map Usopp had brought to illustrate his question. "Where is this?"

"North Blue."

"And where is it?"

"It's... oh, but come on, Zoro! Just because it's on the top of the map doesn't mean it's on the – you can't treat the world like it's _flat_ Zoro, that's not how it works!"

He drew Their sword and held it up, catching the sun with the tip. He hoped she was listening, because even if he hadn't come all the way yet, they were already making echoes. 

"It's the top of the world. It's up. It's the direction of the Heavens, and even if I end up in hell on the way, I'll make sure my name echoes that far. I'm always going upwards, Usopp. It's just that sometimes, fate has to slow me down a bit, or lead me on a longer road, so that I find everything I need to reach the top."

Usopp looked caught between exasperation and amazement. "And that's why Sanji had to go find you on that island yesterday, when it took you _three hours_ to get back to the ship? An island, I must point out, which you could pretty much spit across."

Shrugging, Zoro sheathed his sword. "Sometimes, fate is a bit slow, I admit. But think about it,. How easy can it be to work fast when you're forced to use tools like idiot sons, even more idiotic ax-handed fathers and clowns that split their own hands and feet off?"

" _...what?_ "


	5. "The Condom Broke" aka "Why is there splooge all over my kitchen, you shitty perverts?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crack for aech.

"…so the reason there’s splooge all over my recently cleaned kitchen is that ‘the condom broke’?"

"Yes Sanji. Sorry Sanji."

"S’rry, shitty-cook."

"Ah. Usopp?"

"I wasn’t involved!"

"I was just asking you to hold my jacket. And… my dearest Nami, would you please turn your eyes away? Certain —" the cleaver made a humming sound as it cut through the air "— sights are not appropriate for a delicate lady."

"Ehhh, Sanjii, heehe, what are you doing with those knives?"

"Oi. Shitty cook! Cook — Hey!"

"Um, Cook-bro, I thought you only fought with your feet?"

"I only do battle with my kicks; for filleting, it is necessary to be a bit more hands on."

"Zoro if I jump —"

"— right behind you. I can swim eight hundred sea-miles, no prob."

"Robin! Takemyhatseey’allonthenextislandbye!"

"COME BACK HERE YOU KITCHEN-DEFILING PERVERTS AND LET ME TURN YOUR SHITTY ASSES INTO SHITBURGER!"


	6. Luffy & Zoro & Why The Straw-Hat Pirates Only Eat Cream-Filled Donuts Without Holes These Days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aech requested Zoro/Luffy food porn. She got donut crack. Oops?

It all began on Dunk Island, famed for its delicious baked goods. When Luffy and the others arrived, the islanders had just been celebrating their yearly Donut Festival. There had been mountains of donuts, filled with jams and creams and nuts and syrup. There had been baskets full of donuts frosted with sugar and cherries and licorice and dried fish and chocolate and spicy peppers – and a hundred other tastes as well. 

There had been eating contests (Luffy didn’t win, because Luffy got banned for stealing from other contestant’s plates), baking contests (Sanji came first in the Non-Citizen Category), donut trivia pub-quizzes, inflatable rubber donut races (Usopp placed well) and plenty of other games.

It was the donut-throwing game that set things off. When Zoro and Sanji got into one of their usual squabbles, and challenged each other to who could throw most donuts onto the stick, Nami noticed Luffy suddenly getting an oddly sly look in his eyes - one that reminded her a bit too much of how he looked just before they set foot on a guaranteed deadly island.

It was however not until later, when Chopper asked where Luffy and Zoro had gone, and Franky expressed his disappointment that someone had bought the entire stock from the Meaty McDonut (Your one-stop choice for hearty meat donuts!) before he got the chance to try any, that they truly started to worry.

Still, Sanji acknowledged, perhaps they should have listened to Brook’s age-acquired wisdom and not gone gone back to the Sunny until the next day. Then he would at least have been saved the sight of Luffy playing “Throw the donut” on Zoro’s, ahem, fourth sword - and eating the results when his …target …had filled up.


End file.
